


Beauregard Blowhard vs. The Hurricane Empress

by Somebodys_Hermione



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: (also kind of a college AU but thats less important), (the stormlord is her major advisor), Beau is a journalism major and a human disaster, F/F, Modern AU, Roller Derby AU, Veth meddling in Beau and Yasha's love life, Yasha is a meterology major, idk guys i just really like roller derby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:14:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28563363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Somebodys_Hermione/pseuds/Somebodys_Hermione
Summary: The other local derby team gets a new member, and oh boy is that something that Beau's going to need to deal with. Luckily Veth and Reani enjoy meddling.aka. the roller derby AU no one asked for.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, Calliope Clay/Reanminere "Reani", Past Keg/Beau
Comments: 6
Kudos: 79





	Beauregard Blowhard vs. The Hurricane Empress

**Author's Note:**

> can we make roller derby AUs a thing? i think they should be a thing.
> 
> Title is from the Hollaback Nerds beauyasha rap battle, which you should watch

Veth Brenatto was a lot of things. A wife. A mother. A proud owner of her local youth center where she taught small children ill-advised things from 5-7:30 on weekdays, like lockpicking and how to kill a man with a crossbow. And an absolute fucking speed demon on her local roller derby team, The Chaos Crew. 

So when a tall, goth twenty-something (who would definitely be able to reach the top shelves Veth had long since given up on), asking for a summer job, there is no way in all seven hells Veth was saying no to this woman. 

And when 2 weeks into the job, Yasha mentioned she was learning to roller skate….that was when Veth started making  _ plans _ . 

***

There were a lot of reasons Beau liked roller derby. Well, the main reasons were that she was gay and had anger issues, but those were good enough reasons in her book. Any extracurricular activity that not only allowed but encouraged women to slam into Beau at speed was most definitely a worthwhile way of spending her time. 

That was 100% the reason Beau had signed up, but if she had to be honest, she also loved her team, The Cobalt Soles, to pieces. She’d met her best friend on the team, at a point in her life when Beau hadn’t entirely been sure whether she was the kind of person who  _ could  _ have friends. Jester hadn’t really given her a choice in the matter, though, which looking back, was probably a good thing. 

It hadn’t been a given that Beau joined the Soles, though, because the thing was, Zadash had two derby teams. Dairon, the current coach for the Cobalt Soles, had just seen Beau fumbling on skates in one of the parking lots of her college campus and invited her to one of their practices, and the rest was history. 

Not that there would have been a problem if she had ended up with The Chaos Crew instead. Given the fact that the 2 teams could really only go against each other since none of the nearby cities had teams, the relationship between them was much closer to friendly than it was to competitive. So, Beau had thought before that she probably would have enjoyed being on her opposing team just as much as she very much enjoyed being on her current team. 

Those thoughts all came rampaging back when a 6”2’ absolute  _ fucking goddess  _ came skating out of The Chaos Crew’s locker room, with the derby name The Hurricane Empress on the back of her jersey. Beau felt every intelligent brain cell in her head die a slow painful death. 

The Cobalt Soles did not win that day. (the team would later agree that Beau seemed “distracted”).

***

Today wasn’t an official game, it was just practice, which is how Beau ended up putting on her skates next to resident Ray of Sunshine of the Chaos Crew, Reani. 

Beau had been planning on trying to subtly ask about who the absolute angel of a woman on the other team was, but luckily she was spared from completely failing to be subtle by Reani failing to subtly ask about Calliope (it was a well-known secret that Reani has been pining after the tall firbolg on Beau’s team for several months). 

“Heyyyy Beau...if I invited Cally to a concert this weekend, do you think she’d come with me?”

Beau leveled a calculated gaze in Reani’s direction. “Depends on who the band is...and whether you’d be willing to potentially help me out.”

“What can I do for you, Beau?”

“Who’s the new member of your team? The, uh, tall one?”

“Oh, you mean Yasha? She is gay, yes.”

“That’s- that’s not what I was asking, but thanks?” It genuinely hadn’t occurred to Beau that it was possible to join roller derby and be any flavor of straight. Oops. “I meant more like...what’s she like? Does she have any hobbies or anything?”

Reani shrugged. “She works with Veth apparently, but she doesn’t really stick around after practice very much, so I don’t know very much about her.” After a pause, she continued, “You should ask her!”

“No, no, I mean-” but before Beau could finish, Reani had spotted Calliope and was skating off, likely to extend a concert invitation (not a bad idea, Beau mused). 

***

After practice, Beau had been so distracted again that she decided she should probably take Reani’s advice (if for no other reason than to try and stop becoming so mesmerized by the braids hanging out of Yasha’s helmet that she kept accidentally crashing into walls), so she headed over to where the Chaos Crew were packing up. 

Beau had been skating long enough to know how to make a neat entrance, which was definitely a good thing because in this scenario she immediately followed her smooth skating up with, “Well, I don’t know how you became the empress of hurricanes, but you certainly blow me away.” 

“Oh, uh….I’m actually a meteorology major? And Veth thought it was funny”, the other woman awkwardly gestured at the rest of her team before turning back to Beau. “But, uh, thanks, for, uh for the compliment.”

Beau started (continued? Depending on who you asked) floundering for words. “Oh, meteorology is, is neat. Really neat, yeah. I’m uh, I’m actually majoring in journalism.”

“Oh, that’s cool! I’ve, uh, seen the news?”

“The news is definitely an application of the profession, yeah.” Shit, how had she already run out of things to say? This woman was gorgeous, why couldn’t Beau think of something intelligent to say?

“Must be, uh, really interesting to...do? I mean make, the, uh, the news. Real insider knowledge, I’m assuming.” Well, at least Yasha also seemed to be awkward. 

“Oh well, they don’t really let us...do the news yet, I’m just a junior.”

“Right, of course!” Yasha turned red. “I mean, so am I. I am. Also a junior. I think I’ve maybe seen you around? Places?”

“Oh for sure, I have definitely been known to frequent...places”

“Same...same, sure. I’ve, uh, actually got to run, so I will, uh, talk to you later?”

“Ok! Yeah! Talk to you later!” Beau managed to get out rather stupidly, as she watched Yasha dash out of the door. 

“You didn’t even tell her your name, moron.” Keg manifested out of nowhere as Beau’s side.

“Shut up, that was good!”

“Oh please, everyone knows the only reason we got together was because  _ I  _ asked your dumb horny gay ass out.”

“And everyone knows we broke up because you wouldn’t stop bringing that up.”

Keg chuckled and smugly crossed her arms. “Haha, yeah, those were fun times. But, seriously you’re gonna have to try a bit harder if you want to get into  _ her  _ pants.”

“I’ll ask her out...eventually. Just gotta work up to it, you know?”

“I wish you best of luck, Ms. Beauregard Blowhard,” Keg quipped, referencing Beau’s derby name.

“Thanks, Powder Keg.” Beau lightly punched Keg in the arm before skating off and realizing just how  _ fucked _ she was. 

***

Beau tried again. And again. And again. Never let anyone say she wasn’t persistent, because Beau had been skating over after every practice (sometimes with Jester’s urging), and painfully trying to strike up a conversation with Yasha. 

They’d made a little progress (they’d officially exchanged names now! So that was...something). But every time Beau thought they were really getting somewhere, Yasha had something she had to get to and would run off.

On the 7th consecutive time this happened, Beau was prepared to go back home and be sulky and alone that night (Jester had a date with Fjord so wouldn't be home), but she turned and saw Reani also looking sulky on one of the benches. 

“What’s up?” Beau asked, skating over.

“Calliope is busy this weekend, so she didn’t want to go to the concert.”

“Hmm, yeah, Yasha hasn’t been particularly interested either.” Beau paused. “Wanna go get some pizza?”

Reani instantly perked up. “Oh, that sounds great! I’d actually really love a Hawaiian pizza right now.”

“I will never understand you,” but Beau was laughing as she grabbed Reani’s hand to pull her up and the two headed out. 

***

The pizza place looked exactly like the kind of shitty hole-in-the-wall pizza place that was frequented by college students, but Beau and Reani squeezed themselves into a small 2-person table in the corner and settled in for a night of wallowing. 

2.5 pizzas in and the heartbreak was slowly starting to hurt a bit less, but then the worst thing that could have possibly happened went ahead and happened: Beau looked up from her current slice and made direct eye contact with Yasha, who was holding a takeout box 

Well fuck. 

Beau raised her hand to a casual wave, but then she took the moment to really digest Yasha’s facial expression and realized that from an outside perspective her and Reani were sitting at a tiny table, sharing communal food. An activity that could easily be construed as romantic, or at very least a date. 

Yasha gave a tight smile and rushed out of the pizzeria. 

Double fuck. 

***

Veth was probably unlikely to consider herself a good judge of character. (Well, Veth might consider herself a  _ very good  _ judge of character, but absolutely no one she’d ever met would agree with her). Despite that, the disappointment leeching off of Yasha when she showed up to work that day was disgustingly obvious, which was unacceptable. No one hurt her very best high-shelf-reacher and got away with this. No, this must be dealt with. 

“What’s the matter, Yasha? Something happen?” Veth was very used to working with small children, so she might have pitched her voice in a way that was more appropriate for a conversation with a 6-year-old, but the sigh the other woman let out was earth-shattering regardless. 

“I went to pick up pizza for the lab last night, and I saw Beau on a date with Reani…”

“And? Why do you care, Beau’s been trying to get with you for a month and  _ you _ haven’t done anything about it” 

“She hasn’t been doing that! She’s just nice!” Veth let out a glare that made Yasha flinch. “Fine, ok, yes, I think she might have been flirting with me.”

“Congrats, you’re officially the last to know,” Veth snorted. 

“But you know I have to get back to campus to work on my capstone project after practice on Thursdays! Dr. Kord said if I don’t come into the lab at least 3 times a week I won’t be able to graduate on time! So I can’t stay and talk to her, even if I wanted to!”

Yasha looked so completely despondent that if Veth was a different person, she might have offered her a hug. But Veth was instead a much cooler person (in her opinion) so instead, she offered results. 

“Alright, well, you’re free Tuesday evenings, because that’s when you work for me, right?”

“Yeah, but-”

“No buts. Practice is on Tuesday next week.”

Yasha looked at her like she was crazy. “You can’t do that.”

“Of course I can. I’m the oldest person on the team, I basically started it. And Dairon owes me a favor.”

“Why-why would Dairon owe you a favor? I thought she didn’t like you?”

“Well, she’s gonna owe me a favor when I get her favorite protege a girlfriend, and therefore a social life outside constantly bugging her.”

“Veth!”

But Veth was already walking away. “Too late! See you on Tuesday!”

And sure enough, Yasha got a text 2 hours later saying practice had been moved next week. 

***

Beau seriously considered being a coward and skipping her traditional attempt at romancing the Hurricane Empress. She wasn’t really sure how she was supposed to explain the fact that she hadn’t been on a date with Reani, and it was integral that Yasha know that, not that Yasha probably cared if it had been a date, but on the off chance that she  _ did  _ care, it definitely 100% hadn’t been. 

She only finally skated over when Jester insisted she should go talk to Yasha (which maybe should have been her first clue, but Beau had a tendency of missing clues sometimes, especially when Yasha was involved). But when she got there, it was immediately obvious something was different. 

Veth, Yasha, and Reani had all already changed into their street clothes, and Veth was buttoning her sweater as Beau skated up. “Hey, Beau! Would you be interested in joining us for a pizza date? I mean, uh...not a date, of course not a date, why would it be a date. I meant a, uh, completely platonic pizza...excursion?”

Beau had known Veth (or Nott Your Mama, as she introduced herself in derby contexts) for long enough to know when she was up to something. And Veth was obviously up to something. Beau narrowed her eyes, but before she could call the shorter woman on her shit, Yasha piped in.

“I think excursion is a good word, maybe.”

Now Beau simply looked dumbfounded as she stared at Yasha. “You’re-you’re coming, too?”

Yasha smiled ( _ God _ , she was gorgeous). “Mhm! I’m free tonight actually!”

“Right! Cool! Ok, cool! Sure, yeah, that sounds...cool” Beau could feel the circuits popping in her brain. 

“Yay! Come on let’s grab your stuff!” Reani grabbed Beau’s arm, and as she was leading Beau away she leaned in to whisper, “I invited Calliope, and she said might drop by if she has time after dropping Cad off for his night shift, isn’t that great?”

“Yeah, that’s really cool!” Beau couldn’t help thinking that she better get more of her vocabulary back soon or it was gonna be a long night. 

***

When they got to the pizza place (after being loaded into Veth’s dilapidated minivan), it was immediately clear to Beau that they were not the target age group of this establishment. About half of the restaurant was taken up by arcade games, and they were a few families with small children enjoying dinner. 

Nevertheless, Veth herded them all to a small booth and started looking at the menu. 

“Well, I am positively famished. Reani, would you say you were positively famished?”

Reani nodded emphatically in response “Oh, yes, positively.”

“Well, then why don’t we don’t go order some pizzas then? That sounds like a plan, doesn’t it? You two stay here, we’ll just go grab some pizzas.”

Veth had disappeared before either Yasha or Beau could get a word out, and Reani was quick to follow. 

Beau and Yasha tried to keep up the very awkward conversation, but when Veth returned to the table with a single pizza and a single lit pillar candle (“”The girl at the register said it was a special they were doing! Buy a candle and you get free money to use on the arcade games, how was I supposed to say no?”), it became impossible to ignore what was happening.

“I, uh, think we’re being set up.” Beau tried to laugh it off casually as if she didn’t care. (She  _ definitely _ cared. She cared so fucking much). 

Yasha rubbed her neck awkwardly. “Yeah, I think this might be my fault.”

“...what?” Beau had no idea what Yasha could be talking about. 

“I, uh, might have mentioned to Veth that I saw you on your date with Reani, and I think she thought I was disappointed so decided to take matters into her own hands.”

“Oh...OH! That, that wasn’t a date I swear, Reani’s too hung up on Calliope, and I’m- I mean, it wasn’t a date at all, it was like the furthest thing from a date!” The words rushed from her mouth, and Beau was pretty sure she must’ve sounded like a bumbling idiot.”

“...oh, ok.” Yasha seemed to be keeping her face and voice pointed neutral, so Beau figured she may as well keep saying dumb things and see where they got her. 

“Were you? Disappointed, I mean.”

Yasha cracked the tiniest smile, as she dipped her head to hide her face. “Uh, yeah, actually I was, a little bit.”

“Oh, that’s great!” When Yasha’s head snapped up, Beau immediately tried to clarify. “Not-not that’s it great that you were upset, or anything, I didn’t mean that, I just meant, like, that’s great! It wasn’t actually a date, so you didn’t need to be disappointed or anything, you know?”

Yasha was now looking at Beau again (she had such pretty eyes…) and the smile hadn’t gone away when she responded, “Yeah, I...guess that’s true.”

They stayed like that for a beat, stuck in a small bubble inside this loud pizza arcade place, before Beau got up the nerve to continue. 

“I’m, uh, not actually sure if this counts or not, but if it doesn’t do you, uh, think you might be interested in going on a real date with me sometime?”

Yasha practically beamed. “I-I’d love that! What about sometime this weekend?”

“That sounds great, I mean, I’d love that too.”

The moment was somewhat undercut by Reani running past, squealing “Ca _ lllllyyyyyyyy!!” _ and Veth placing a very stupid, glittery hat she’d won at the arcade on Beau’s head. 

Beau took a moment to acknowledge how adorable Yasha looked when she was giggling, before promptly starting a fight in a family restaurant. 

**Author's Note:**

> shockingly this one was actually my idea bc *i* am the roller derby bisexual disaster but special shoutout to TheWisdomQueen for putting up with me on this and bulking out the plot <3


End file.
